"I could never live without cheese. I. Fucking. Love. Cheese. I would kill myself if I were allergic to cheese."
[news story on Tea Party Movement, flashes to obese woman making a speech] Fucking typical. Yeah, you hate taxes and socialism, but as soon as we cut your Social Security and Medicare to save money, you'd shit. You fat bitch.
[Same Tea Party story, cuts to black man making a speech]Doug! Look! Did you see that African American man in the cowboy hat? That just looked so wrong.
Sexting? What the hell is sexting and why should I give a fuck? It's none of my business if teenagers want to be sexy. This is seriously news? God.
[McDonald's commercial]I feel physically sick watching this. Jesus Christ. People are fucking disgusting.
[showing dad a picture of a girl I hate that's gained over 100 pounds]THAT'S her? Oh my GOD. It's probably all that shitty cheap beer she drinks.
Mom: I just feel bad for her. She's lost herself.
'Yeah, underneath all her rolls! Oh, ho ho!!!'
And the best one, as of late, even though it wasn't said today:
"You should, uh, what do people your age call it now? Oh yeah, hit that. You should hit that. She's beautiful."
If you're so into her, maybe YOU should hit it, Mom. Wow.
[Update]
[pointing at T.Pain performing on TV]"Is that Justin Bieber?"
Wrong color, dad.
Love you, Mom and Dad. Sometimes. Now I know where I got my snide sense of humor.
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